Putting my ducks in a row

— Free Bird

Listen to the whole album and feel the softness of the music while reading the quite emotional blog of mine. Thank you for reading.

The rollercoaster of 2020

Waw! What a rollercoaster the year 2020 is! It’s the end of November and it’s really time to put your ducks in a row of the past year… Well, it is for me. After my boyfriend’s surgery, the tragic death of our dog Senhor Schwatzy and the almost-death experience that I felt when hit by a car I feel like my ducks are all over the place. These ducks are so chaotic and loud that I feel that I’m losing me, myself, and I, Camille. This is a feeling I’ve never experienced that heavy. This rollercoaster was a never-ending one it seems.

I miss him every day. He was the best support I could’ve wished for and I’ll never forget his loving energy. He is my Universe, my guidance, my strength within.

So I made the decision of giving myself time and space to come back to my senses. My calling. My inner Self. Where and how do I do that? In San José, Costa Rica with my sister in a house in the jungle in a wished-for-quarantine. Not so bad, isn’t it?! I know I’m lucky and really appreciate it. I’m here now for 3 days and I feel this calmness coming over me and it feels gooood. Finally, I feel this little peaceful spot in my mind that will grow by giving myself time and space. It’s the only thing that can help a human to come back; to feel like themselves again. This is so important for self-growth and -development, I believe. I followed my intuition and made an impulsive decision that now makes sense and gives me the rewarding feeling I was longing for.

Getting control over your life

When it feels like everything around you is falling apart, it seems like you are falling apart with it. This is just an impression and you should not think that radically about situations that happen to you. It’s just what life is about. I say these things to myself to reassure everything will fall back into place one moment or another. Rather sooner than later, though, because it’s tiring and unpleasant this feeling.

These 3 things (mentioned above) happening in 2 months very short one after the other made me go deep. Too deep that my emotions got control over my life. I made a conclusion that “death” was following me and it made me not feel safe anymore. Again, a feeling I’ve never experienced before while traveling the world with my backpack. Being on the brink of feeling depressed is a moment that you have to look inside and see what’s going on.

Ask yourself questions about how to handle this the best possible way for YOU. You have to be okay in the first place and then all the rest comes next.

My boyfriend Vini is the best! He totally understands that I’m here in Costa Rica to help myself to then when we join(t) again next year I’ll be back as fresh as a cucumber (you say it like that?). As I’m writing this now I feel it makes more and more sense being here and not there where I felt unrooted.

This is him cutting a pineapple that we put on the veggie BBQ. One of these days that felt like normal when everything was sort of unstable, however, you try to make the best of it. Amazing last day in Floripa for me before leaving for Costa Rica!

Getting control of homesickness

It’s the first time that I didn’t go back for summer to reconnect with my roots. It’s the first time I don’t know when I can go back to my roots. It’s the first time I feel unrooted. How come? My language, my people, and my food are not around. As simple as that. It took me some time to realize that that must have a big impact on me. But the period of time being without these 3 things that link you, obviously, to your roots, makes you homesick. Again, the first time I really have this feeling.

I do feel like another person when I don’t go back to my people located all around the globe really. This is one of my best friends Diet that always makes me get this stupid smile on my face. Do you see why they’re being missed?

I passed 9 months without meeting any Belgian and talking Flemish in real life. I would pass some days without a word of Flemish in my thoughts, to friends, or on social media and that made me have a weird feeling already... Talking to my amazing Belgian friends online makes me having the biggest smile on my face. They are the best that you can imagine and I’m so lucky that I got these rocks in my life that make me feel grounded. You know who you are, my people, I miss you guys.

I had a discussion with a Brazilian friend and he made the theory that you become a different person(ality) when you speak another language. I don’t feel like another person when I talk English with Vini (maybe this is the language of love — to sound very cheesy?). In Portuguese, yes, because I don’t feel that I can say everything that I want (yet!) in this language and make a fool of myself a lot. So, in my opinion, it’s not the language that you feel comfortable with, however, your mother language is a tool to make you feel rooted. As are the Belgian fries that I miss so crazily!

Getting control over your bad habits

So this longing feeling of quarantine just for me is happening and I’m cutting off all the bad habits together. No smoking, no greasy Brazilian cheese balls, and no resentment of my decisions that make me feel guilty.

The no smoking-part is just necessary for my health and my emotions. Marihuana flattens your emotions and this backfires the healing process; it’s not possible with something that controls your emotions and feelings. Without I feel lighter and feel like getting grip on my emotions. This feels good.
The cheese balls are just so delicious. However, how you eat and how you control this affects every desire in your life. It makes you control what you do in life. An example is exercising and feeling the control it can give you over your mind and body. I’m feeling so good after doing the least of exercise and just the movement of muscles is so important in these times of homeschooling, homeworking, homesickness in another sense than mine…
I felt arriving here in Costa Rica that I left my Vini behind and that I made the most selfish decision. The guilt-feeling rose and made me question my intuition. This 6th sense should never be questioned as it is something your soul feels you have to do. Why would I feel guilty for a thing that’s gonna make me feel better?

When your soul is calling you, you should always listen. Listen to your heart. What does it say? Always follow your intuition, no matter what.

No filter. The mesmerizing sunrises in Matadeiro... I think it’s the most beautiful spot in Floripa. So peaceful and unique. And perfect streets to stay a night or two.

Social control can help to not allow your bad habits to come through. Let your people help you in this sense that they will know what to do or say because they know you. You know you too. But in these cases of bad habits, it’s very difficult to help yourself because they’re habits already. Use your social control in a positive way, to check up on one another, and to push people in the right direction. Between Vini and me it’s like that, getting the best mixture of both, complementing each other. This feels again so goooood. The negative side of this social control can be social media. Social media makes you compare to other people that are not necessarily your people. And so your social control will be done by strangers. This is the worst you can do to grow as you’ll grow into somebody else that you are not. Another subject I’ll dive into for my next blog.

3 unknown feelings of the Free Bird I am

The feeling of losing myself, the feeling of not feeling safe, the feeling of homesick are unknown feelings for me. Getting control over these feelings makes me knowing myself more and more. This piece of the puzzle of my self-growth is essential. I’m doing a 7-day journey of the embodied dance of (We Are) The Alchemists in the Facebook-group Liberation Through Movement with women all across the world that want to empower their feminine side again (really interesting to try out yourself, women!). Today was the archetype of the Wild Woman and I realized I missed her. I miss my courage that now is overshadowed by fear. Fear is something that can overrule and never in a good way, for sure in these times with a deathly virus around.

FEAR—
Forget Everything And Run OR
Face Everything And Rise
The choice is yours.

Let’s face this and rise with the light within me, Namasté. This feels again so goooood!

Pura Vida in Costa Rica!